As many of you know, I am a filthy liar. I am also deceitful, shallow, and cruel to animals, nay, all living things. I like kicking puppies. I laugh when babies cry. I kill houseplants ON PURPOSE. My best friend Onna Solomon is even worse. You know that person who blackmails you with that videotape of when you actually killed a guy? You know that person who imprisons her cousin for two decades and then has her beheaded? THAT’S ONNA.
This fall, Onna and I have joined forces now to do something even more nefarious. We have formed a team for 826michigan’s first-ever Skrabbel for Cheaters tournament, an event that encourages people to lie and cheat their way to victory. By donating your hard-earned cash to our cause, on Sunday, November 23 (yes, we changed the date from September, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, WE ARE ALL LYING CHEATERS), we will be able to cheat more effectively by swapping out letters, inventing words, and exercising a commitment to bad sportsmanship. You can see all the event details here.
The only thing that makes this event redeeming, in fact, is that all the money we raise goes to 826michigan. Clearly you’re interested in 826michigan, or you wouldn’t be reading this. Are you interested enough in our organization to become part of it? Do you so whole-heartedly support free student programs—like afterschool tutoring, field trips, writing workshop, in-school projects, and publication opportunities—that you want to help keep them free by donating some of your hard-earned cash?
As program director and keeper-of-the-blog for 826michigan, some might consider it cheating to solicit donations for myself and my depraved partner-in-crime, the Dread Poet Solomon, on our website. To which I say: YES! OF COURSE!
A donation of any amount—one dollar to one thousand dollars—will help us on our quest to win the title of 2008 Board Game Cheaters of the Year (Midwest Division), as well as help students finish their homework, and find inspiration all around them, and become better able to express themselves, and a bunch of other wonderful things. Here is a breakdown of the cheats:
- $25: Trade out a letter
- $50: Wheel of Fortune: buy a vowel
- $100: Flip a letter over and make it blank
- $150: Add 10 points to any letter to increase its value
- $200: Add Q, Z, or X to any word
- $250: Passport:play a word in any non-English language
- $300: Consult the dictionary for one turn
- $400: Reject an opponent’s word for no reason
- $500: Invent a word (must have definition)
As an added incentive, anyone who donates more than $100 to our cause (me and Onna, no one else!) gets to suggest a team costume for the event. That’s right, we have to dress as a team on Sunday, November 23. If you donate $100 or more, your suggestion (anything you want!) goes into a hat. We will draw a winner the week before the event, and that is what we will wear to the tournament. On THIS, we will not cheat! Have you always wanted to see Onna dressed up as a monkey and me as a banana? Onna as Obama and me as McCain? What about Onna as Barbarella and me as Princess Leia? NOW’S YOUR CHANCE.
You probably don’t like me or Onna. You probably hate us even more when we are together, cackling away in a corner, speaking in our weird speak, throwing caustic sarcasms at anyone who gets within our sphere. But do it for the CHILDREN, friends. THEY CAN’T LEARN TO READ AND WRITE AND LOVE LEARNING ON THEIR OWN. Trust us on this one. To sponsor us, click here.
Please join us at Connor O’Neill’s on Sunday, November 23, at noon to watch the debauchery!