May 2012 – Ryan Beatty

May 1, 2012 | 826 Blog Post

Ryan Beatty!

Ryan Beatty!

As I was preparing my typing fingers to prepare accolades for Mr. Ryan Beatty, field-tripper/in-school resident/director-cinematographer-editor/jack-of-all-trades, I received a mysterious e-mail which I would like to share with you:


As you know, I don’t like you, but of all of my employees, I don’t like you the least, and therefore I am writing to you today to ask your help in publicly lambasting someone I truly loathe: the despicably generous RYAN BEATTY.

He’s TOO charismatic, especially when he’s working with those putrid diaper people. (The short ones with the runny noses. Those people disgust me.) Ryan has the ability to lead these booger makers like no one I have ever seen, and it makes me fear an UPRISING. Yes, a rebellion made out of LAUGHTER and SMILES, which sickens me to no end.

This Ryan character, who I find haunting my writing lab FAR too often, is always making people laugh with his ridiculous impressions of me (which I find foul, offensive, and oftentimes, horribly inaccurate. For one thing, I am not funny and for two things, I do not like alligator wrestling. I only enjoy watching alligators wrestle each other to the death and then eating them on crackers with a citrus glaze).

He’s always helping people, making their days brighter and their jobs easier with his very PRESENCE.

He’s constantly using my expensive equipment to make EDUCATIONAL and ENTERTAINING videos. It’s enough to make me vomit up said alligator hors d’oeuvres. He has yet to use his outstanding film editing skills to portray me in a satisfactory light.

What’s more, I’ve come to find out that Ryan was an intern with 826michigan over the summer and wasted all of our time by doing whatever appallingly cheerful things that interns do out in the community.

RYAN BEATTY, each week I want to tell you to take your impeccable sense of humor and your multitude of voices and your fantastically fashionable hats and LEAVE, but really, I don’t ever want you to truly leave. Because there are only three things in life I enjoy: 1) Making money 2) Kitten and Piglet Soufflé 3) Threatening to fire Ryan each week. Ryan, you have made yourself invaluable to me. You are fired. But don’t forget to come back.

Yours very sincerely,

President Dr. T. G. Blotch

Whew. So, um, that’s Ryan Beatty for you, ladies and gentlemen… a volunteer SO extraordinary, SO notable, that even our mysterious and nefarious publisher Dr. Blotch has taken notice of his many skills.

In his time with us at 826michigan, Ryan has proven himself over and over to be one of the most talented, flexible, generous, and inventive people we know. Whenever we have a project that requires spontaneity, creativity, and a healthy dose of sheer craziness (which is relatively often, all things considered) Ryan Beatty is number ONE on our speed-dial. He has come through for us more times, and in more ways, than we can count.

After years of noble service with us here at 826michigan, Ryan is now taking his leave for the Big Easy to embark on a stint with Teach for America. While we are so sorry to be losing him, we wish him the best of luck in this wonderful new endeavor and say to ALL the students of New Orleans to BE PREPARED, because you are about to get BEATTY-ED.

(This is a good thing.)

Dear Ryan, thank you SO much for all you have done for 826michigan and all you are still doing. Our world would be a less hilarious, whimsical, and talented one without you in it!

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